ASSAD: Abduct Pope Francis, kill extra 100,000
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad
Spurned by TIME Magazine, which did not name him 2013 Person of the Year, Syrian regime leader Bashar al-Assad commanded his legions to abduct the “terrorist, imposter” Pope Francis. “He may be person of the year,” crowed the defiant leader, “and he may be leading a billion Catholics towards a slightly less perverse existence… But how many chemical weapons does he have?”
Angry Syrians Sitting Atop Damascus (ASSAD), an inter-communal Damascus-based clique that has ruled Syria and held sway over Lebanon for 40 years, immediately issued a statement supporting its favored son. “We call upon all secularist moderates to unite against this worrying convergence of the American liberal press and organized Roman Catholic fundamentalism.”
Reading from unintelligible hand-written notes, ASSAD spokesman Khasser el-Golan also called upon “secularist Syrians, and like-minded Shamis in Lebanon, Jordan, Israel-Palestine, southern Turkey, western Iraq, and Cyprus” to begin butchering “an extra 100,000 people—preferably any Eastern Rite Catholics who may harbor support for the imposter in Rome.”
A high-ranking Beirut intelligence official, who conveniently refused to be named, believes that ASSAD “is doubling down on a strategy that has worked well since dissent swept across Syria in 2011 to “kill as many people as necessary to exhaust the international community, neutralize opponents, terrorize prospective opponents, catalyze communal support, deter defections, and tweak the narrative.”
“He doubled down and Obama folded. He doubled down and Putin stuck with him. He doubled down and the exiles stayed away. He doubled down and the dissidents dissipated. He doubled down and the rebels radicalized,” the analyst added, drowning his own words with a carafe of wine. “He’ll win the award next year. He may have to force Miley Cyrus to twerk on Pope Francis and U.S. President Barack H. Obama, who’ll doubtlessly be taking another damn selfie, as Assad himself takes in the scene and deftly peppers TIME’s editorial board with fun-sized capsules of sarin… But he’ll win.”
Confronted with the prospects of a Syrian spillover, which has thus far encompassed everything from ritual sectarian bloodlettings to recent inclement weather, Beirutis were reluctant to comment on the matter. “Are you kidding me?” hissed Nick Al-Neshef, a despondent urban planner based in Achrafieh. “I’m trying to make ends meet, and you want my honest thoughts on Assad?”
“Go ask your editors what they think!”
Hassan Wadak, a progressive activist and local foodie, was similarly mum. “You work for NOW? Leyk khayyo, stay away…” Tarek Hayt, a Gemmayze mechanic, also declined to comment.
However, one outspoken citizen was quick to offer her thoughts. Cackling madly, Em Almaza, the wife of a missing Beiruti intelligence czar, wondered whether “the Syrian regime intends to appoint Mother Agnes as a Pope-in-Latakia.” Opening her husband’s icebox and pouring herself a cold one, she added that she was “sick and tired of the commodification of brutality. Maybe if he’d tried harder—perhaps by bombing refugee camps in hapless Lebanon—they’d have given Assad the damn award.”
“Oh, it’s about impact is it?” she asked, as beer cascaded down her chin. “But that’s the goddamn problem, now, isn’t it? We’ve grown tired of op-eds and policy proposals, indifferent to the work of intrepid reporters, numb to the images of charred corpses, and blasé about the bombs and bullets. And that’s probably why he didn’t win. Shoo hal shaab!”
Anthony Elghossain is an attorney at a global law firm based in Washington, DC. Dead dissidents—not tyrants, twerkers, presidents, or popes—are his Persons of the Year. He tweets @aelghossain